What Those in Chronic Pain Wished You Knew, Pt 2
If you missed the part 1 of this article that explains what isn’t helpful to those in chronic pain, be sure to go read it first!
What We Actually Desire:
- A Listening Ear (Prov. 10:19; Gal. 6:1)
A good friend of mine shared with me that she feels most loved in her pain when people make the effort to try to understand what it is like to walk in her shoes. They want to get to know her story by pressing in and asking questions. I agree with her. I also agree these interactions are the exception, not the norm. That makes chronic illness very lonely.
May this be a call to the church to change that. Rather than brush it off, judge us, or presume we are weak, express a desire to understand our struggles. Ask questions and listen intently. Don’t just tell us to grin and bear it. Unlike a 9-5 difficult job you leave behind at the end of the day, chronic illness stays with us all the time and therefore affects everything about us. As you can imagine, that is exhausting. Sometimes all we need to get through another day of trusting the Lord is someone willing to enter into the pain with us and let us share our hearts. Our souls are encouraged by getting to share how He has used it for His glory and our good. It renews our outlook on our affliction. And you may just find you will be encouraged too.
- Sympathy (Rom. 12:15; Col. 3:12)
Speaking for myself (but I think I speak for others too): there are days when my pain is real, my spirit is broken, and I am having a hard time enduring my trial (Pr. 18:14). When I choose to share that with others, the last thing I want is suggestions and I especially do not want someone to say I am too young to deal with that. In those moments, all I want is sympathy. I need someone to weep with me. To pray with me. And then when the day is good, to rejoice with me. All I want is that listening ear and someone willing to enter into my pain with me. Put on Christ’s heart of compassion and just sit with me. Give me a hug and let me cry if necessary. Help me lament the consequences of a fallen world that are very real in my body, rather than try to initiate fixing it.
- Availability & Understanding (Jam. 3:13)
You will not be able to relate to our pain and weakness. That’s okay. I rejoice that He has spared you from that. I couldn’t relate with my chronic illness friends either until five years ago. But I have learned that those without health trials must pursue gracious understanding towards those that do. Offer to do things. Invite us to participate. Trust me, that in and of itself means a lot, knowing you would desire to include us. But be understanding when we say no. We know our limitations, boundaries, and weaknesses. Do not push us to do something we have expressed an inability to do. Be willing to offer to just come and sit with us or do something more lowkey instead. Usually, we want the fellowship, but the means by which we can obtain it look different.
- Prayer (Jam. 5:16; 1 Th. 5:17)
This is the greatest, most encouraging thing you can do for us. You cannot take the pain away. You may not know how best to comfort us. But you can bring us before the throne of the One who can. He provides mercy and grace in time of need (Heb. 4:16). Show us that you are someone we can share with when we are having a hard week because we know you will pray. Let us know you are there when we need you.
I would add this too: ask God to give you wisdom for the right time to speak truth into our lives. I know, that seems to go against everything I just said. But there does come a point when words are exactly what we need from you. Sometimes He will bring us to a weak, humbled place and we seek it on our own. Other times, you may perceive that we have wallowed in the pain too long and need a kick in the pants to get our theology and perspective right. Ask Him to show you when that right time is and what to point us to. And we will be willing to receive it because you built the relationship that grants you the right to offer such things.
Go Be a Blessing
In my brutal honesty, I don’t mean to scare you away from ever speaking to a person dealing with chronic pain for fear of upsetting them. Finding ourselves ignored and lonely will be even worse for our souls than an unhelpful comment. We need you to help us carry this burden. But in order for us to entrust you with it, we need you to intentionally build a relationship with us.
So please take these tools and seek to be a blessing in that way. Begin to invest in us on a deeper level to earn the right to enter into our lives and be the shoulder we cry on. Pray the Lord will help you set a guard over your mouth to help you speak wisdom (Ps. 141:3). Ask Him to help you live out Ephesians 4:29, speaking edifying words according to the need of the moment to give grace to those who hear. Trust me, you have no idea what a listening ear, sympathy, availability, understanding, and prayer can do to restore joy to a broken spirit walking through God-ordained light, momentary affliction on our way to glory. It’s simple, but it means more to us than you will ever know.
