What Those in Chronic Pain Wished You Knew, Pt 1
You would never know it from looking at me, but I have lived with some level of pain more days than not for the last five and a half years.
Culturally, 2020 was a year of COVID lockdowns, unemployment, riots, and masks. For me, it was the year that left my 23-year-old body fighting for its life after suffering from COVID, a second concussion, mold sickness, and mono. I was working a full-time+ job, in the middle of a Master’s degree, co-leading a small group, and over 2000 miles away from home. I was literally struggling to survive. There were a few nights I was so weak that I was not sure I would wake up the next morning. Yet, by God’s grace, here I am.
Five years later, I have some level of headache practically every day. I know which ones will be relieved with pain medication and which ones it won’t touch. My energy can vary and immediately disappear on any given day. A few bad nights of sleep lead to significant pain. Every test we have ever run has never shown anything. But you would never know by just looking at me. Perhaps some of you know me and are surprised to learn this because I do not talk about it much (nor do I share it now to garner any sympathy).
That partly comes as a result of how other people in the church have responded when I do talk about it. I have heard a lot of things, mostly unhelpful. I am sure that is not their intention. I chalk it up to people who do not live with this just not knowing how to respond and minister to people who do. That used to be my experience. It reminds me of Job’s friends. They were helpful until they opened their mouths.
So, allow this chronically pained person to give you some counsel on how not to be like Job’s friends when you meet someone whose life is defined by daily pain.
What Not to Say:
- “You are too young for that.”
For He performs what is appointed for me, and many such decrees are with Him. – Job 23:14
Pardon my Northeast directness…but says who? Perhaps to our earthly, human perspective, a person can suffer from something earlier than the typical age. But, if God has ordained that a person of that age will walk through that trial, we are not too young. The Fall affects all of us in different times and in different ways. Your experience will not be mine. Maybe the Lord will give you cancer in your 60s. Is He any less sovereign when He gives cancer to a young child?
This kind of a response can be very discouraging because it appears to reject and ignore the reality of what we are walking through. Especially when we have unsuccessfully sought answers. It does not invite us to openly share our burden. Instead, we will stop talking about it and try to wade through the heavy emotions on our own.
It also may cause us to start to believe that statement. We may evaluate our circumstances and determine that God has done us wrong by giving us this trial. The clay may begin to question the potter and say “What have you done?” We may forget that the Lord creates calamity and well-being (Is. 45:7), determines our appointed times and boundaries of habitation (Acts 17:26), and has a right to shape us into whatever vessel He wants (Rom. 9:20-23). Instead of inadvertently encouraging us to talk back to God, help us exalt the work He is doing in our lives for His glory through our suffering (Job 36:22-24).
- “Have you tried…?”
He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him. – Proverbs 18:13
Most likely, yes, we have tried it. We have probably gone to a lot of doctors, tried a lot of remedies, and done a lot of research. We have found a lot of dead ends and no answers. Speaking for myself, I tend to put off more appointments because I have grown weary of dashed hopes. Especially when we are in the pain, usually the last thing we want to hear is another suggestion. We know you mean well; it just is not what we want at that moment. We are just trying to get through the day’s flare-up. Instead of just offering it, ask if we would like your advice first.
Also, what I have found is that those who make suggestions often do so without first asking questions. They hear you have such and such a problem and immediately present a possible solution. It feels like another doctor who prescribes a pill without listening (and trust me, there are a lot of those). It’s not that we never want suggestions. You may actually present valuable information. But we will receive advice much more eagerly from a person who has taken the time to listen to our history and reality than someone who acts like Dr. Google.
- “Oh, come on, what do you mean you can’t come to…?”
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. – James 1:19
Frankly, making us feel guilty about what we cannot do is not helpful. Trust me, we probably would love to do everything thrown at us. But we can’t. Our bodies just will not let us. We know our boundaries. We have had to learn them through trial and (perhaps painful) error. Sometimes we have to save the little stamina we have for something of greater priority. “Being young” does not mean we can push through and quickly revive our strength with a good night’s sleep. One day of pushing could put us down for the entire next day. Being unrelenting in your persuasiveness when we already have said no or that we will have to see how we are feeling makes us feel unloved. Instead, it would be a greater blessing to feel your understanding spirit and that we will be missed.
- “How are you feeling?” – and having it be the sole topic of conversation…every time.
Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. – 1 Thessalonians 5:11
Like every human being, there is more to us than just how we feel. While we do appreciate the care and acknowledgement of how we are doing on a given day, we do not want it to be all that we talk about. Chronic pain already defines our lives in real ways; we do not want it be our sole identity to others. Sometimes it is the last thing we want to talk about. Instead, ask us about something that gave us joy during the week, something we learned, or an opportunity we had. Give us a chance to distract ourselves and focus on something else for a few minutes. Remember there is more to our person than just this fleeting trial. That isn’t to say never ask; we just ask for a little variety in the conversation.
An Observation: I have noticed for me personally that the difference between being blessed or burdened by a conversation usually comes down to the depth of relationship. I think many in the church do not know how to helpfully minister to someone with this kind of trial and thus say these things flippantly or as a reliably easy conversation topic. That is what makes us not desirous of hearing the above. When you have not taken the time to get to know us beyond the surface level, we feel unheard, misunderstood, and like another problem to fix.
I am sure that is not the intention. I am sure they really do care. That’s why I wanted to write this article: to help others understand our reality and what we really do desire. And what we really desire is a relationship. As a result of that deeper relationship, it will create a trust that opens the door to be able to give us what we actually need and long for. To be continued.
