Christian, How Should you Speak to Your “Gay Christian” Celibate Friend?
1. If your friend was harmed as kid, it’s not his fault that he was harmed.
However, he is responsible for everything in himself that is contrary to God. If his attractions are not sin, then it would also not be sin to act on them, because he would be acting on “not-sin.”
Those “gay” attractions/desires/impulses/inclinations are particular sins the moment they move; the moment he’s aware of them. He is a man. He is not “gay” according to Scripture. In Romans 1:24-27, Paul says men exchanged the natural use of the woman. He did not say that they were different than any other men. Rather, the only difference was their sin. And any man can commit that sin (as the 100-120% increase in people identifying as ‘gay’ since 2020 shows); and like any sin, if he keeps holding it in his heart, mind, or actions, calling himself a “gay Christian,” he will never mortify it.
2. If your friend says, “I’ve prayed for God to take my attractions away, and He hasn’t,” (I think every Christian has prayed this about every besetting sin) it’s not God’s fault that He hasn’t removed them.
In some cases, God immediately takes particular sins away: the drunk is saved and never desires alcohol again, etc. But in many cases, the Lord gives His Holy Spirit, and word, and enables us to read, believe, and receive His word, and repent of sin and apply and live His word; and He progressively sanctifies us. Even when we apply what God’s word says, it’s still God who is taking our indwelling sin away. As Christians, we have the power to mortify particular indwelling sins (Col 3:5; Rom 8:13).
3. In the Bible and reality, there are only males and females, not males, females, and “gays.”
Your friend is male. And if he says, “I’m gay,” he’s separating his “sexual orientation” from his biology. This is how we got the trans movement. Trans folks separate their sex from the biology, which is just the natural progression of the heresy that man can separate his sexuality from his biology.
If you can separate your sexuality from your biology, you can separate your sex from your biology. Your friend is a man. He isn’t “gay.” He’s just got a particular sin-pattern like any other Christian. He must take responsibility to repent of the sin-pattern in his heart and live who God says He is.
4. Your friend is who God says He is, not who he feels he is.
If your friend was feeling worthless, we’d tell him to read God’s word and believe it. “Don’t believe you’re worthless because God says you’re valuable. You’re His image-bearer. Don’t believe how you feel because you’re not worthless!”
But, because homosexuality is a “special sin,” folks tell them that they indeed are their feelings; that they’re “gay.” No. They are male or female, and entailed in being male or female is the pursuit of an opposite-sex Christian to marry (Gen 2:18-25).
Your friend longs for marriage or he wouldn’t even be talking about his attractions. He does not have the gift of singleness. In the Bible, the gift of singleness is given so that people can devote their lives to the Lord, unencumbered by the responsibilities to a spouse and children. But no one in Scripture rejected marriage because of a persistent indwelling sin. “I’m gay” is not a biblical reason to reject God’s design for one’s body, biblical marriage (Gen 2:18-25).
5. There are many Scriptures that say evil impulses are sin.
A. In Genesis 3:6, when Eve, who previously said she couldn’t eat or even touch the forbidden tree, listens to the Serpent, and begins seeing the forbidden tree as he told her to see it. She says in her heart that it’s desirable to make her wise. Desirable there in the Hebrew is the same word forbidden in the 10th commandment; which says, “You shall not covet, you shall not desire your neighbor’s wife…” Eve sinned in her heart before she ate of the tree. She willed evil in her heart, coveted, and ate, and then immediately became like the tempter, and handed to her husband, and he ate. This means that there is not a pre-lust desire or an evil pre-sin impulse or attraction. No. The beginning of lust is lust. The beginning of evil desire is sin. If it’s a sin to do it, it’s a sin to desire it.
B. In Exodus 34:6-9, God passes before Moses, saying that He forgives iniquity. The Hebrew word means, a twisted character against God. A twisted character against God requires God’s forgiveness. That’s at the heart-level.
C. In Matthew 5, in the Sermon on the Mount, when Jesus says to lust in your heart is adultery, he’s quoting words from the Septuagint, the Greek translation of the Hebrew Old Testament (Matt 5:27-30). He’s combining the 7th and 10th commandments to forbid any sexual impulse in one’s heart, that is not for one’s spouse. The Pharisees were teaching that only that outward act was sin, but Jesus said even our hearts must be pure; for “only the pure in heart shall see God” (Matt 5:8).
D. In Matthew 22:37-39, Jesus quotes Leviticus 19:18 and Deuteronomy 6:5 to say that we must love God with all our hearts, souls, and minds, and our neighbors as ourselves. God requires perfect obedience to Himself from our hearts, with every part of our lives. That’s why we desperately need Jesus. Only He has done this perfectly. And through faith in Him, we receive His righteousness, and He takes our sin away. Our sin is imputed to Him and paid for; and His righteousness is imputed to us. We are declared righteous in Jesus, justified. And we are being made more righteous everyday due to His Holy Spirit’s work in us.
E. In Ephesians 5:3, Paul says, “But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.” The Greek word translated “impurity” there speaks of any form of sexual immorality in one’s heart. It includes homosexual attraction and any other lawless sexual attraction as well. And Paul says it shouldn’t even be named among Christians.
To summarize, what your friend doesn’t realize is that he’s treating his sin as special, as different than other sins. He hasn’t mortified his sin, in part, because he doesn’t believe he can, in the power of the Holy Spirit, put it to death. He must agree with who God says He is. He’s not “gay,” rather he’s got a particular sin-pattern that Jesus can change. He’s a man, meant to marry a woman.
6. Concerning temptation, There are two forms of temptation: from within which is always sin, and from without, when we’re offered a good thing through an evil means, which is only sin if we desire the evil means.
This is what Christianity has always taught until only recently. James 1:13-15 describes internal temptation, where our own lusts lure and entice us. And external temptation is the kind Jesus had, where the devil, not His own internal desires, tempted Him. The devil offered Jesus only good things: food, angel protection, and to be the King of kings (Matt 4).
The devil tempted David with lust, adultery, lying, and murder; but the true David, Jesus Christ, he tempted Him with only good things. Why? Because Jesus is not a sinner, and He could not be tempted from within.
We are tempted like Jesus whenever we are offered a good thing through an evil means. If I lost my job, and wanted to provide for my family, which is a holy desire, but a drug-dealer came to me and told me to sell drugs for him. If I want to provide for my family, but don’t want to sell drugs and don’t even consider it, and I reject the evil means, I’ve been tempted like Jesus, and haven’t even begun to sin. But if I consider it, I’ve begun to sin in my heart. And if it’s an inherently evil thing that I have an impulse to, something God forbids, I’ve begun to lust even if I don’t act on it.
7. So, concerning when to confess sin and repent, we must repent of every particular evil impulse in our hearts, and live the opposite.
So, if I’m tempted by something forbidden, but I don’t give in to it, I should rejoice that I didn’t submit to it, and I should also confess that part of me wanted to. I should call every evil impulse sin, confess it, and rejoice when I don’t give in.
8. I hope all of these truths show us that we desperately need Jesus; and praise be to God that He has been provided!
We are in Him through faith! All of our sin, past, present, and future has been crucified in Him, and His righteousness has been given to us. He loves us and has poured out His love on us. And we love Him. That’s why we fight and repent daily, because of Jesus’ infinite worth. When Jesus taught us to pray, He told us to confess our debts (sins). He knew that we would sin often in our hearts. Thus, He taught us to confess it as often as we pray (Matt 6:9-13).
Therefore, your friend must treat his sin like any other sin-pattern. He must call it sin, repent of it at the root, and live the opposite. He doesn’t have the gift of singleness. As part of his sanctification, he should find the godliest woman he can, and pursue her for marriage. Not to be crude, but it’s amazing how being in the marriage bed with a woman, which is God’s design, can help sanctify a man.
After all, if your friend was harmed as a kid, which tilted him this direction; well, the marriage bed with his wife, will tilt him the other direction, the direction of God’s design. Yet, he’ll still have to repent and take responsibility to mortify evil impulses in his heart, like every other Christian on earth.
But the more you repent and believe and live God’s morals, the more the particular sins in your heart, die. Augustine describes evil impulses in his heart as a hot coal. If you don’t make excuses for it, consider it, or give in to it, it burns to no effect. And it eventually is burned out.
Our flesh tempts us with what we find tempting. If we not longer find it tempting, the flesh no longer moves that direction. Now, on this side of glory, we’ll always battle the flesh. But, we don’t have to battle the same evil impulses our whole lives. In the power of the Holy Spirit, we can put to death particular motions of the flesh, including “homosexual” impulses.
I’ve written several books that will help your friend repent:
1) The Lust of the Flesh: Thinking Biblically About “Sexual Orientation,” Attraction, and Temptation. I would ask your friend if he would be willing to read it with you. If you want to buy paperback copies, you can get them from http://FreeGracePress.com. The Kindle and audio versions are here, https://amzn.to/4puSHjj.
2) 33 Days to Freedom From Lust: A Hope-Filled Devotional. This book will help your friend practically repent of any form of lust in his heart by cultivating and increasing his love for God. The way to expel any sin in our hearts is by having greater affection for God than we do our sin. The more we love God, the more we hate our sin. And it becomes increasingly difficult to give yourself to what you hate. *The problem with many Christians ensnared in sin is that we don’t love God enough and we don’t hate our sin enough. You can buy it in paperback, hardcover, kindle, or audio, here, https://amzn.to/3YoD9lg.
3) 33 Days to Freedom From Lust LEADER GUIDE: A 7-Week Study. This is in case you want to teach this curriculum; walk people through it. You’ll meet 8 times. The first time, you discuss the Introduction, watch the video, discuss the questions, and pray and encourage one another. Then, your students will start reading 33 Days and meet 7 more times to edify one another in the fight against indwelling sin. You can buy the book on Amazon here, https://amzn.to/4pA0uMY.
4) 33 Days to Freedom From Lust VIDEOS. These videos go with the Curriculum, and can be purchased here, https://drjaredmoore.com/p/33-days-to-freedom-from-lust-curriculum.
5) Same-Sex Attraction and the Temptation of Christ. This small booklet explains how there are two forms of temptation. And Jesus was tempted outwardly without ever having an internal evil attraction/impulse/desire/inclination to sin. You can buy it here, https://press.founders.org/shop/same-sex-attraction-and-the-temptation-of-christ/.
I hope this post and these books are helpful. Feel free to ask questions, give pushback, or bring critiques. What are your thoughts?
