Lonely in a Crowd
The weight of loneliness hit me really hard a few weeks ago. I couldn’t explain why.
I live on the same property as my family and see them daily. Our small, flourishing church plant provides plenty of weekly fellowship and ministry opportunities. I work at a doctor’s office where I have growing relationships with my coworkers. I try to open my home or get together with girls who live locally all the time.
I am not alone. So why do I feel so lonely?
Add to that, one day, my singleness started hitting me more. “Oh great,” I thought, “why now?” Just earlier this summer, I told the Lord I would be content to be single the rest of my life if that is what He deemed best. Why are these longings of my heart appearing again?
As I asked for prayer from trusted long-distance friends, I discovered I am not alone in struggling with this (no pun intended). They have similar life situations as me: faithfully serving the Lord in the jobs, churches, and ministries the Lord has them in, many of them also single.
None of us are alone. Far from it. In fact, we often wish we had more free time. Yet we still feel lonely. Why?
Have you ever felt this way? Are you longing to understand why?
Perhaps what the Lord graciously showed me through His Word in my own soul will encourage you too.
1. God created marriage to fill the void of companionship.
In the middle of my wrestling, I happened to pick up Jay Adam’s book Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage. I did not do it for any particular reason; it had been on my Goodreads “Want to Read” list and I found it on the bookshelf. But, in His providence, the Lord had a reason.
In it, Adams describes how the creation of woman came as a direct result of God declaring it not good for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18-22). Therefore, he calls marriage the “covenant of companionship.”[1] We see this further in Scripture when the bride in Song of Solomon calls her new husband “her beloved and her friend” (5:16). Proverbs 2:17 and Malachi 2:14 refer to a spouse as one’s companion.
A lightbulb went off in my head. My singleness weighed on me because my heart longs for the companionship of a husband. I want someone who can share my joys and help carry my burdens, someone with whom I can explore a new place or sit and watch a movie on a Friday night. I desire to have a partner in ministry life as faithful servants of the gospel like Aquila and Priscilla. I hope for a best friend who will continually point me to Christ and display His sacrificial love by being His hands and feet on the days my physical suffering makes simple tasks hard. In the word of Ecclesiastes 9:9, I want to enjoy this fleeting life with a husband I love.
I am grateful for God’s kind providence in leading me to that book on that day. A random choice proved exactly what I needed to help diagnose my aching heart. It let me get on my knees to pray the Lord would fulfill that desire if He deemed it good, but for now that it would not control me.
Friend, I would encourage you to do the same.
However, I cannot trust marriage to fix my loneliness. Married people can be lonely too. Besides, life is fleeting and our days numbered, so there is no guarantee I would not find myself single again before I see my King. No, marriage will not solve the loneliness problem, though it may help for a little while.
2. Earthly friendship is a sweet gift from God that strengthens us in our Christian walk.
I love reading about the friendship between Jonathan and David recorded in 1 Samuel. Despite losing his right to the throne to a young shepherd boy, Jonathan gives such a beautiful example of the selfless love that can exist between two friends. Scripture records that “the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul” (1 Sam. 18:1). He delighted in David and protected him from his father’s murderous intentions (ch. 19-20). When David had to hide in the wilderness, Jonathan came to him and strengthened his hand in God (23:16). His loving, loyal actions illustrate how believers can come alongside and help each other toward the goal of Christlikeness as we practice the one anothers.
In addition, the Proverbs list some of the blessings of a friend as being one who sticks closer than a brother, always loves, and gives sweet counsel and faithful wounds (Pr. 17:17, 18:24, 27:6, 9). As we do that, we reflect our Creator, the Trinitarian Godhead of eternal friendship (Gen. 1:26-28)
Perhaps my heart aches for a Jonathan. Right now, life feels a bit like never-ending ministry that frequently demands digging deep into my mental catalogue for the next question to ask in a conversation and creating extra fellowship opportunities. Do not get me wrong, serving others in these ways is an absolute joy. But perhaps I long for just one person who will intentionally reach out and truly desire to serve and know me.
I cannot make anyone do that. And it does not exactly feel right to go up to someone at church and tell them to do all these things for me.
So, what can I do? Well, first, I need to pray and ask the Lord if He would provide that kind of friend. Then, I have two choices: 1) sit and wallow in the self-pity of loneliness or 2) go be that person for someone else.
I can ask myself: Who can I serve today? Who can I invite over or meet for coffee? Who can I text to ask how I can pray? In doing that, it takes the focus off me and invites opportunities to be a blessing to someone else in a way I may never know.
Friend, if you are lonely too, I ask you: How have you served someone in the last week?
As good as it is, however, earthly friendship will not cure loneliness either. Job had friends, but we all know how much help they turned out to be (19:13-14, 19). David had friends, but many betrayed him (Ps. 41:9, 55:13). In fact, Christ promised friends would betray us (Lk. 21:16).
Thankfully, there is Someone who can do far more for us than any earthly friend.
3. We have One sitting on the throne who will always call us Friend.
If we have trusted in Christ as our Lord and Savior, we have the greatest, truest, and most faithful Friend for all eternity. We can never be separated from His love (Rom. 8:35-39). He will always be with us (Jos. 1:5, Heb 13:5). He knows everything about us, including the hairs on our head (Lk. 12:7). He brings us into the company of a great cloud of witnesses He called friends, including Abraham, Moses, Lazarus, and the disciples (Ex. 33:7, 2 Chr. 20:7, Lk. 12:4, Jn. 11:11, Jam. 2:23).
Most importantly, this Friend displayed the greatest act of love possible by laying down His life for us so that we could be His friends (Jn. 15:13-15). Leading up to that sacrifice, He had friends betray Him, fail to pray with Him, and totally desert Him (Mt. 26:37-45, 50, Mk. 14:50). Who better to take our troubles to and find comfort in than Him when we feel alone or betrayed?
Yet, through that sacrifice, He also gave us hope that we have a Redeemer who is alive, and we will see Him face to face (Job 19:25-27; Rev. 22:4). Maybe that is what my heart truly longs for—perfect heavenly fellowship as it was originally intended to be with God and each other that awaits us once He takes us home.
Therefore, when I feel lonely, I need to run to Him. Yes, I can pray for a companion in marriage. Yes, I can pray for and seek out deep friendships. But, above all, I must pray and seek after a deeper intimacy and love for my Lord (Ps. 73:25-26, 28). I must recognize we live in a fallen world where relationships are not as they should be, but this momentary, light affliction will end in the joy of perfect fellowship with Him and all His friends for all eternity.
To all my friends reading this: it’s okay to be lonely. The question is…how will you respond to it?
